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| Mourners after Kim Jong-Il's death |
Know what fascinates me even MORE? (Today, at least) At my work, whenever someone in my unit- which has 77 people- has a relative die, someone from our module will always pass around a card for everyone to sign and start a collection for the bereaved.
The card part doesn't fascinate me- collecting and giving money to give as a gift does. I can't think of a LESS spiritual token or memento than that. It happened just today at work, so I decided to dig deeper: what are my strategies for determining how much I give? Does this "system" change? Why or why not? What's it based on?
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| coffin |
Proximity- closeness and distance
OK- I'm gonna get real here. Was I close to the person or not? In today's case, the woman whose grandmother died, Rhonda S., is a colleague of mine. She's a nice and personable woman, 47 years-old, married with teenage children. Rhonda and I exchange hellos, sometimes chat about Holiday plans...and have zero connection outside of work.
Doing the math, her grandmother was probably in her mid-to-late 80s. Rhonda never mentioned any chronic conditions, so I'm guessing her GM's health deterioration was probably age-linked...
What's appropriate?
According to my Orthodox friend, Stephanie, the expectation for Jewish bereavement at shiva is seriousness, compassion, and bringing food. Across the cultural spectrum, different religions call for different offerings.
Anything from silence to jokes, flowers to garlands, simplicity to garish celebrations and offerings, these all are expressions of sympathy. Of course, some demonstrations of goodwill are better than others... Note: a Keurig coffee maker is NEVER a good condolence gift.
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| Russian gangster tombstone |
...but nowhere in the rulebook does it say money should be a gift! However, at Social Security, in the building I work in at least, the custom is for people to give each other money to show empathy!
When my dad died from cancer in 2009, I got a very unexpected $91 when I came back to work three days later. Of course I kept it! It wouldn't be at all helpful in paying for his cremation, defray the added cost to my mother when her spouse died, etc.. but I suppose this bought me a measure of gratitude and connection with my co-workers, and a dinner for four at Applebee's where we didn't have to skimp on appetizers.
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| always a photo-op |
What's everyone else giving?
What's the median "give" in a typical SSA bereavement? I don't mean to sound cynical, but I've literally been giving grief money for eleven years in memoriam to strangers who happen to be related to colleagues. I've learned to quickly get a sense of the average donation, the low contributions and the high ones, and then land somewhere in the middle.
Behavioral economist Dan Ariely has strong ideas about what the right gifts are, as does Jordan Weissman from the Atlantic. But we're dealing with the here and now at SSA: what dollar figure can you put on sympathy and friendship in one fell swoop, but without breaking the bank?
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| Michael from Price is Right |
How much am I going to give?
I've weighed my connection to the bereaved: we're not close, it's her aged grandmother, and the death was from natural causes. If it was, say, her son or husband, the figure goes up because the closeness factor/sympathy goes up. But say it was her 2nd cousin? That's not even in my money/sympathy approximation.
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| "an early death pays top dollar!" |
The cheapskates give $1-$2, the outrageous donations are closer to $20. There are a lot of cheapskates, but not many big donors- maybe 1 or 2 at most. Most give $3-4 when they chip in to this sort of thing...and this sort of thing happens A LOT in my unit.
I had $23 in my wallet today, so I have to keep the number respectable, yet not low. Decent in the eyes of the contribution collector, but not something I myself can't afford. Big enough to be a good donation, but not so big that it becomes a silent auction of grief. I'm writing an anonymous check to the bereaved, in effect, but my peers get to see "just how compassionate" I am...or am not.
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| stock photo of compassion |
I never gave cash to people in my life for their dead relatives until working at SSA. Now, I use game-show guessing principles and a studied environmental scan before jumping in at all. It's sick, it's exacting, and it's precisely the kind of math people don't like talking about.
I gave $5, then offered to chip in another $1! Jeannette, the money collector, was busy making change for my $20 and didn't take the other buck I offered! I guess I wanted to look better than I originally planned?
What amount would YOU give?
- Greg
Such a good question. I have no idea how much to give - to be honest - I generally give the cash amount in my wallet (I carry less than 10 on a normal day).
ReplyDeleteThis is certainly a strange practice that I have never heard of before reading your blog. I have been asked to contribute money to be donated to a cause (such as American Heart Association, American Cancer Society, Diabetes Foundation, etc) in memory of someone who is deceased. In that case, I would generally give between $5-$10 -Denise
ReplyDeleteGreg,
ReplyDeleteThis was a good post, makes light of real world stuff. Textually there was a nice flow with the boldface and linking.
-Chris
p.s. I once spearheaded taking a collection for a classmate whose son passed away, it was for sure something I said in passing but wound up feeling like I had to give a little more than usual and gave up $20. She was incredibly grateful and said she would be using the money to be the first deposit for the scholarship in his name. But yea, surely an awkward position I put myself in all the same.
The sign of a good blogger is someone who can take the most random topic (like this one) and write a compelling blog post. Many people can relate to this subject. You told it in a funny way without going too far, especially since you bring up the fact that you lost your father and also received a donation. It reminds me of the blog we read in class called "Twentynothings." She also wrote about very random topics and made them hilarious and relatable. Great job!
ReplyDelete